Saturday, December 30, 2006

My year in review response to Theresa

My last article reviewing the year, recieved such a lovely response from my Fiance, Theresa, that although I will not post her response, I will post my response to her:

Your words melt me into a pool of tears. I have always said that you always have the right thing to say, but its so true; you do. My faith is not worthy of praise as you say; I am just growing in the Lord. I have not had to withstand the real test of faith like Ken did. In my worst times, I drank, shrunk away from society, clawed at anyone who dared come near me. I have come quite a long way in my journey of faith, yes, but I cant be compared to Ken. I still do not say the Rosary daily, or keep up with my Bible readings on a regular basis. I do pray more often, longer, harder. As I try to impress in Ian, its not complying with obligation mass that is so important as he insists, its how we live our lives. We are preparing for our life in heaven by how we live our live on earth. How we deal with everyday life; the anger, the insults, the lies, the deceptions, and most of all, the minute to minute dealings with our loved ones. We all are only human, and will back-slide, of course, but its the rebound, the learning from our mistakes, and the art of forgiveness and the suppression of the judgment of others. We are not perfect; only Jesus was. We all sin, and have faults. Ian would be surprised at who ends up worthy to enter heaven. Albert's wife, Claire had a funny saying "I'm afraid that I will meet a lot of people I don't care for in heaven" We all need to find the good in people, and not judge. We all walk our own path with God. My path is not as narrow and straight as Ian's, but for all the obligatory road signs he adheres to, he has to learn (we all have to learn) that it is what we do in life and how we make an impact on others, that is more important than compliance with the church doctrine. If only I knew what he knows now when I was that young. I do know that our plan is pre-destined by God. I do believe that without the trials I was put through in life, I would not have met you, or developed the faith that I have now. There is more than one path leading to the same destination, and nobody really has the same path to trod. Its the learning from our mistakes, the constant prayer, and our eye on the cross that will gravitate us closer to our promised destination. I will try to glean something from Ken, Ian, you, Al, and all those who believe, and use the knowledge to influence those I meet in life. that is what we are called to do, and so often do not do to the full extent of our abilities; stretch our comfort zone. Our church life is only the tip of the picture; its taking it out into life and magnifying it. Its you lifting me up when I need it, and me doing the same for you. God is great.

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Year in Review 2006 in my Eyes

The Year in Review in my eyes 2006

As I look back at the year, I reviewed my blog, which I started in April 2006. One of the first articles, though not THE first, was one titled Ken. Ken, was and will always be a lasting influence in my life. His views on life (and death) were real eye-openers to me, and I'm sure I'll never meet another Ken in my lifetime. He possessed a faith in God that I never encountered and I strive to model my life after his beliefs.

The past year and a half, I have taken a sabbatical on life, after injuries to my back, my confidence, and my whole being. I quit my job, became recluse, ceased to play my music, and taught myself to be devoid of all emotion, especially, love. As my faith in Jesus grew, still determined that I was incapable of love, I turned my devotion to Jesus, and started looking into the options of becoming a priest. I discovered to my dismay (though I don't know why) that I was too old to undertake that change in my life.

At the same time this past year, I began corresponding with a wonderful lady from the church where I play. We only saw each other for a minute or two after the service as I was walking out the door to go home. Little did I know what plans God had in mind for me, but thanks to my blog, and e-mail, we began a relationship that blossomed into the most precious love I ever have known. As our e-mails became more and more personal, the walls around my heart began to soften, and crumble. Eventually, we started to "see" each other, and things happened faster than I ever imagined possible. From plutonic e-mailing to dating over the summer, I found myself asking her to marry me. The words just tumbled out. To my supreme surprise, she said yes.

The rest of the year unfolded planning our wedding, seeing each other as time allowed, dreaming of each other, and getting used to feeling my heart beat inside my chest again. As the year evolved, I began to search for gainful employment. That certainly has had its ups and downs, and as the years ticks down to the last few hours, I am still not working. I am due to start a new job January 2, 2007.

After so many years of despair, sorrow,and heartbreak, my life has taken a complete 180 degree turn in 2006. As I sat down to reflect on 2006, I thought I would be notating so many different political and historical events, but all I can think and talk about is Theresa.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Why I am considered a "Scrooge"


Hi my love
This morning upon reflecting on your sister's joking remarks about eluding to me as Scrooge, I thought I'd write a brief essay explaining myself, so that she may have some at least vague understanding of how things evolve in one's life.
What Christmas has come to mean to me, and why I'm considered a Scrooge

Much of my adult life, I worked in a retail environment, and became accustomed to large sales, the pressures of high volume traffic filtering through the store, the expectations of the store, and the zaniness of the crazy customers. Christmas came to represent the paramount apex to the shopping season. I learned to expect long working hours, very little time off to shop, or enjoy the season as most people had a chance to. As the years forged ahead, the demands of the retail environment, the higher pressure of the increased sales expectations, the trend of commencing the Holiday shopping season from after Thanksgiving, to after Halloween, began to erode the zeal, the drive, the excitement to the point where I felt like a virtual slave, an indentured servant to the public, with no life of my own. In years of economic slumps, the demands and attitude of the retail life weighed much heavier on the shoulders, as if we the sales force had to make up the difference of the loss of sales personally. Merchandise was sale priced in attempt to meet the demands of the shopping world, commissions were unfairly cut, monthly sales quotas raised to impossible resolutions, tempers justifiably tweaked, and the Holiday turned from a time of Peace, Love, Joy, and Forgiving to an ever growing nightmare of frustrations, stifled family life, depression, and anxiety. Many a year, I was forced to do my own personal Christmas shopping on my abbreviated lunch hours, fighting traffic, and being at the opposite end of the never ending lines, still being punished for things I had no control over. Like the Grisswald's Family Christmas movie, I was accustomed to receiving a bonus at the Holiday season, and sales perk for meeting the monthly sales quota. One particularly bad sales season, I ended up with a frozen turkey, no bonus or perk, having missed the sales quota by $ 100.00 or less out of $ 100,000. I spent Christmas day on the floor in a corner of my room, after the family opened their gifts. I was emotionally drained, physically ill, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After being separated with eventual divorce looming over my head, the Holiday took on an entirely new dimension for me. As my children spent the cherished part of the Holiday (Christmas Eve, and morning) with the "Ex", I languished in my studio apartment, alone, a submarine sandwich, and a beer. I was forced to extinguish all forms of outside world connections, such as TV, Radio, etc. so that I was not tortured by the sunken blare of Holiday music and festivity, while the entire world celebrated the most prestigious day of the year. Life had evolved from rushing home from work to be with my loved ones, the joy and excitement of gift exchanging, and all the rest of the festive mood associated with Christmas, to lying in bed in my underwear, unshaven, sunken swollen eyes staring at nothing, impenetrable loneliness. That is what Christmas meant to me for many years and time out of reckoning.
Understand that it is not how I feel at the present time, but a look into the past, and a glimpse of how I perceived life.
Love Love Love

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Guitar Repairs

So.........I haven't been blogging as a good blogger should! I wish I could say that the news has produced nothing to get my blood boiling, but that's not the case.

Anyways, this is to inform all that I also have a new site for guitar repairs: Repairs Rock.

Check it out! Still the same ole nutty sense of humor; just more guitar oriented. Even you non-players may get SOMETHING out of it; Who knows!